my beautiful brother Chris died on February 21, 2012.
i blog here to stay sane. i howl to thee, internets.
I wake up
You are my first or second or third thought and
I feel sorrow.
Because I miss you.
Because you never got the chance to be the man you were becoming.
Because you were beautiful because you were golden.
Because I don’t know where you are.
Because I would sacrifice everything I have to hear you voice one more time, see your smile, hug you.
My brother. My perfect beautiful brilliant golden baby brother.
I still hold out a shard of hope that you will find some way to come back home to us. How can we carry on when you are gone, my wild one?
You still die, but you come back for a little while every spring. Similar to Jesus, but without that nasty crucifixion nonsense, and we won’t make a religion out of it.
Tell grief counsellor that though I’m not sure where my brother is now, his spirit was with me for awhile, though I feel that it has now moved on. “He’s just gone.”
“Where do you think he is?”
“I don’t know, but I hope it’s somewhere nice.”
Purchase belated birthday present for our mom. Put wallet back in purse. Look on floor. Bright shiny dime sitting in the middle of the aisle all by itself.
Ok, kid. I hear you.
Not coffee not alcohol
Not exercise not inertia
Not giving in to sorrow not pushing past it to activity
Not breathing not dreaming
Not hitting not yelling
Not shopping not fucking
Not medicating not crying
Not denial not distraction
Not keeping it in not letting it out
Not being a better person not giving in to base impulses
Not silence not screaming
& the decision to keep living despite the pain must be renegotiated Every. Single. Day.
It was this night four years ago that I received a phone call from my dad telling me my little brother had died in an accident.
My life hasn’t been the same since.
I don’t know you, but I am sorry for your loss. It’s been nearly six months since my little brother died, and I think a large part of me died with him.
I do not want to go to sleep.
I also don’t want to wake up.